Instead of feeling sorry that I'm Asian, you can also...
Thoughts on allies, takeaways, being Asian, and more importantly, let's discuss what you can do to turn 'sorry' into action.
Hi everyone,
Thank you for bearing with me when I felt mentally exhausted and ended my previous post with a negative note.
But even then, I knew that I wanted to make the line ‘I’m sorry for being Asian’ sound ridiculous. Still, more people said they feel sorry, while none said ridiculous, which really reflects the world we live in.
As shared on Notes earlier — I have some good news for you.
The woman described in my last post was asked to leave, and a post was sent to all members, emphasizing zero tolerance to racism. It was a decision made not just based on one racist and sexist comment, but based on her past behaviors and her reaction to others calling her out on it.
It was impressive and empowering to see the management of my co-working space Fisheries and its members upholding values in action, and that it made me further believe that businesses can protect their values when they choose to.
As to the scale of this incident, like I wrote last time, I felt weird about calling it racism because there was no physical harm. As someone who studied race and ethnicity in a Sociology capacity, I even looked up ‘racism’ again:
“Racism is a form of prejudice that generally includes negative emotional reactions to members of a group, acceptance of negative stereotypes, and racial discrimination against individuals; in some cases it can lead to violence.” (American Psychological Association)
I studied it, I heard about it, it happened to me online and in real life almost all very aggressively and I felt ok being aggressive back. But it’s different when it’s so nuanced.
“It's like a tax on being,” a male British reader wrote to me. “The older I get, the more I realise it's not just the big bang moments of discrimination around race, class, health. Possibly, more harmful are these mini-moments that accumulate, and work to hold people down.”
I agree.
In this post, I want to discuss how you can help with action, and I’d love to see what’s worked/what you’re thinking of doing — please leave your comments here for everyone to see!
What’s the importance of allies?
If you distill my last post, it could easily be read as me pitting Asians against White people, women against men, or the young against the old. I suppose that’s why I got “you are so brave” in private but not more in public.
In real life, the co-working space incident was elevated not just because of me, but because a fellow member, a white British woman, spoke with the staff and then to the owner. I was told that it was a key decision factor.
I knew from practice and theory that one of the most important things is to let people listen, especially when they’re guarded and felt held up against — either from me suggesting to the owner there was no policies to protect me, or from me telling other white British male authors that: hey, someone who shares the same identifier as you is being dismissive.
From a communications POV, it’s a reality that people are more receptive of the information without feeling blamed. And that’s the importance of allies: Would you call out behaviors you believe are wrong? If it’s the recipient feels accused and blamed, can you be the intermediary of communication?
Share articles and open conversations with your Asian female friends/co-workers about micro aggressions, unconscious bias, stereotypes, prejudices, ask how they feel, ask what support they need in the future.
We need allies from our own demographic and from other demographics. If being white is like being in a private club — You can stand by us. You can fight for us. At least, you can be the one who hold the door for us.
What can individuals/businesses do?
In the awakening of the recent backlash against DEI and cancellation of DEI programs in the West, I began to think, how come the principle is sound but the execution leaves so much space for misinterpretation, and becomes something that right-wings use to hurt liberal values?
One reason may be that it feels forced.
The common misconception about programs as such is that there are quotas for DEI hires, in Trump’s terms. Diversity is important for businesses, but people don’t see why it’s important even with data evidence, in this case, we need a rebrand, we need to rewrite what we want to achieve. Language come with connotations but we could defy the negative perception to come up with something new.
Training programs and workshops can be made to put executives and employees into perspective, yes. But the more effective approach is not top-down but bottom-up, and based on organic awareness and behavior. And unconscious bias must be pointed out.
The cases below are based on my and my peers’ experiences:
In a business setting —
Do not assume that when an Asian woman and a white man come to the meeting, the latter is the decision-maker;
Do not comment on Asian women’s look, age, personal life when you first meet them (e.g. “You weren’t born then, were you?” “You are from _____, women there are beautiful!” “You lived/studied ___, did you have a local boyfriend?” etc.)
Ultimately, if you don’t say/do this to other counterparts, don’t do this to Asian women.
It pains me to say this but I personally find it SO HARD to speak up in that moment and I blame myself for playing by the rules, especially when there are others around and I don’t want to ruin a professional relationship or be seen as difficult. This is something I’m currently unpacking with my therapist.
I also want to ask you: if you are a bystander and want to support, what can you do? It may be a lot easier if you know that person well, then you can speak to them then or in private? And what would you do if you don’t know them?
In an office setting, it extends to more than just skin color because how power dynamics define social interactions. Here’s what I observed: in many cases, local hires including Asian women at multinational companies in China do what they’re told to, while withholding opinions. This is out of habit due to China’s education and corporate culture.
However, this can be increasingly detrimental to the company’s performance in China, as the market turns much more inward-looking since Covid. Without local insights on every level, MNCs would find themselves increasingly falling behind local competitors. So, if you’re a leader or co-worker, I’m curious to hear if you have any internal mechanisms set up to address this?
Why did I spend so much time on the subject?
My therapist wanted to understand what’s driving me through all this, a week of emotional turmoil, conversations, writing. It was exhausting indeed. No one’s compensating for my time.
Yep, I also recognized that in journalist Cindy Yu’s essay “No, I am not a Chinese Spy” for The Times of London this Thursday.
Like, wtf, why can’t she focus on what she does but explain whole life to an audience, how come those accusers don’t explain where they got their prejudices/ignorance from their upbringing, their limited world view, their scarce exposure to non-white population and diversity?
As for me, I’m in a privileged position where I’m self-employed, I don’t feel the need to put feelings/pride aside for productivity and power. I had past experiences sitting, brewing, marinating in my head that I had not confronted in the moment. That gave me strength.
More over, I see it as my job.
I champion the importance of Sociology, languages and journalism in society. Although the reality (and adulthood) taught me I’m not financially rewarded by furthering my thoughts and research on it. I know it matters to the world.
I hope people learn something and understand more perspectives, that’s also connected to what I do in journalism and qualitative research, because I believe they can help businesses make better decisions.
More about being Asian
It’s hard for Asians to speak up because, honestly, we are not at the top of the hierarchy yet. We are not in charge and we don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable—did you see how careful I was in my outreach to the author?
We don’t want to burn bridges. We don’t want retribution. We don’t want our potential imagined opportunities ruined.
Therefore, I also understand people who may shared similar experience to stay silent. I almost did.
I shared this to one of my Chinese-American readers:
“Every Asian has different experiences but I’m glad mine resonated. Growing up in Jiangsu, within a homogenous, predominantly-Han society in China, race and ethnicity was invisible to me. I had to learn what it’s like to be Asian in a western world through textbooks and by experience, including micro aggressions and racist behaviors, which I also submit to while younger.”
Asians are diverse, but our diversity is often overshadowed by our skin color.
I know that I can’t assume all Asians react the same to micro aggressions, stereotypes, racist behaviors — they may never feel hurt, they may have not found a way to address it, they may not want to make people uncomfortable, it may not be a priority to them — it’s not their job.
This doesn’t conflict with my desire for change and to speak up for all Asians, because ultimately, prejudices and unconscious bias toward our demographic is a deep-rooted issue we face — and will continue to face. This is why no one challenges my ‘sorry I’m Asian’ statement.
All I want is to be seen as an individual, and expect that my feelings and opinions matter the same as everyone else’s. And I hope there’s a day where you do not feel sorry for me. 🔚
[The header image was taken as part of a photography project that supports Against Violence to Overseas Chinese Women at Asian Women Development Plan International; http://awdpi.org]
About us: Following the Yuan is a reader-supported publication that aims to deliver real-time insights about Chinese consumers from native Chinese experts. As the founder of the newsletter, I also write personal essays on this platform, here are some other issues I explored.